Communication: the sine qua non of success in marriage

A while back my friend Pat Willard, a wonderful author of thoughtful books about cooking and about life, and I went out to celebrate the completion of her new book - a collection of vignettes about the lives of successfully married (and long-married) couples. Each story had a happy ending, despite the challenges that every live and every marriage face.

Over a hamburger and beer at the Pig 'n Whistle Pub on New York City's Greenwich Street I asked her if there was a common thread running through all the stories. "Oh yes," she replied without a moment's hesitation, "they were all good communicators."

Every human life is dynamic. We change as we experience new things and meet new challenges; we rise to some occasions, and fail to rise to others; we have triumphs that elate us, and defeats that deflate us. Ultimately we age and experience the predictable challenges of aging. In marriage we do all this alongside a partner: someone sharing our journey as we share his or hers.

To grow together, and to understand the changes and challenges each other face, we MUST be willing to share the good and the bad; the hopes and the dreams; the fears and the frustrations; the twists and turns on the road of life.

Good communication is much more than talking to or with another. We chatter all day about the things that are easy, for us, to talk about: politics, the Yankees (or Red Sox ...), the movie we saw or the book we read. There's nothing wrong with conversations like these, but it's not the kind of sharing that will sustain a shared life.

Communication means listening to the other, and listening is more than hearing. We listen when we try to be attentive to the hints and clues we are given by body language and mood tone; we listen when we genuinely try to hear the message beneath the words, and to hear it without judgement or criticism. It's being patient as the conversation unfolds, it's asking questions to clarify, and to let the other know that you are really trying to 'get it."

Communication takes courage. The deeper and more personal a subject is, the harder it is to share with anyone. But in marriage we must share the deep down stuff with our partner - how can we be loved and understood in places where we don't allow our partner to go? In addition to the things in our life that give us joy and make us happy, painful memories, embarrassing defeats, well-hidden flaws or mistakes are all the stuff that life-giving communication is made of. Even anger and disappointment with our partner is fair game, as long as we allow the anger to dissipate before we speak about it. (Speaking while angry is never productive and should be avoided at all costs).

Communication like this should be a regular thing in the lives of married couples - not merely episodic. It may be helpful to create a ritual around it - write each other weekly (or daily) letters to both express your love and to begin the conversation on what you'd like to share with each other - then use the letter as a starting off point for a face to face conversation. Have regular family meetings at which everyone present (even the kids, if they're invited and age appropriate for this kind of gathering) gets a chance to speak uninterruptedly and listen carefully. At such a meeting a few simple ground rules are necessary, anyone speaking must speak the truth with love (i.e., all messages, no matter how difficult, MUST be tempered with kindness), and when listening, seek first to understand what the other is saying from their perspective: what's it like to see through their eyes, and to walk in their shoes? Finally, ask questions to clarify, not to cross examine.

Great marriages are built on great communication - the lives of successfully married couples bear this truth out. Good communication in a family doesn't happen by osmosis - it takes time, effort, and commitment; but the investment is well worth it. There is NOTHING more important in your lives, or in the lives of your children, than the success of your marriage.

To divorce or not divorce that is the question.

by Father Daniel O’Rourke
06-10-06

“All of life,” said the veteran retreat master, “can be summed up in three words: ‘anticipation, disillusionment and resignation.’“ He was preaching to young monks. ”When you came to the monastery,” he said, “you came with the highest ideals. You wondered if you were worthy. You came with stars in your eyes to love and serve, surrounded by saintly brothers -- anticipation.

“After you were here a while,” he continued, ”You soon realized that the monks were no better than you. You found them human, flawed and too often self-centered. You were disillusioned. Then it gradually dawned that it was precisely with these imperfect men that you would be living out your monastic life -- resignation.”

The preacher, of course, overstated his case. Life, work and relationships are much more complicated than his three stark and deterministic categories. There is, however, enough truth in his observation that teachers, social workers, other professionals -- and couples could learn from his insight.

Initially there is the romantic and idealistic expectation, and then reality sets in, but what next? Acceptance doesn’t always follow. In every career or relationship, there is a natural development from the naïve and idealistic to the real. Then the true choice faces us: what should we do about it? These are life-altering decisions. Presumably, we once gave much thought and expense to the choice of career or spouse. Hopefully we had career guidance and premarital instructions such as a Pre-Cana program. We have much invested in these marriages and careers. Packing our bags and moving out should not be a knee-jerk reaction but the final option. Life often asks a recommitment to circumstances and people whom we have discovered to be flawed and wounded like ourselves.

This acceptance of the inevitable, however, is not always peaceful and graced. It can embitter and sour. We all know divorced people who are better for their break-up and, whether remarried or not, are at peace. We also know some who many years after the split are still resentful and bitter. We know people in jobs or profession who have accepted the limitations of their occupations and are enthusiastic, productive and happy. Others are miserable and disgruntled. They think life has dealt them an unplayable hand and their clients, students and colleagues also suffer.

The key question comes after the initial glow has evaporated. What to do then? How do we decide whether to divorce or work to save the marriage? How do we determine whether to leave, change, or modify our careers? The difficult questions are life changing.

First, we should do nothing without advice -- and not from our office mates, poker buddies or girl friends. We should talk to a spiritual director, a job counselor or therapist. Even if career or marital counseling costs money, it’s worth it. It’s the rest of our life we’re talking about. If the relationship, however, involves violence the abused spouse should first seek individual counseling from a source sensitive to this particular issue, such as The Salvation Army's ANEW program (1-800-252-8748). Seeking professional help is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of intelligence.

After reflecting on the insights from counseling or direction, if your faith permits it, pray. Gently carry your reflections into the awareness of the Mystery. Let the Spirit of Life, in whom we live and move and have our being, breathe over your dilemma, freshening it, cleansing it of your blindness and selfishness. Spirituality is a powerful resource in our struggle with such decisions.

What are the criteria to determine whether we should stay or move on? We should listen to both our bodies and our spirits. What do our bodies tell us? Are they habitually stressed? Do we have migraines and ulcers? Is the tension affecting our health and poisoning our interactions with others? With co-workers? With clients? With partners and children?

Anna Quindlen in a recent column spoke of young lawyers in high-priced law firms as “indentured servants” and “drones” moving “from classroom, to cubicle to coffin.” No matter how “good” the money, that’s too high a price. If we get cramps or headaches just thinking about going to work, it’s time to go elsewhere.

Then we should listen to our spirits. This is especially true in a marriage, which is much more emotional and complicated than a career. Are we growing as human beings? How frequent are the moments of joy, understanding, and forgiveness? Of course there are problems. There are always problems, but there is no unsolvable problem for spouses open to change and willing to work together.

Marital retreats or counseling often help. Spouses should certainly attempt that before traipsing off to lawyers. Resolving issues can be complicated and heart wrenching, but the effort is worth it. Spouses have a shared history and much in common. Especially if there are children, there are tremendous reasons to keep the family intact and, with effort and grace, to make it healthier. The impact on families of a broken home and the loss to all is enormous. Sadly for some, even after repeated and sincere attempts, the situation will remain unhealthy. Then for the good of all, the disillusionment should lead to separation.

No partner or profession, however, no job or relationship is perfect. Life inevitably demands forgiveness and understanding. We should make that effort again and again, but sometimes body and soul, grace and reason tell us that it’s time like a savvy card player to cut our losses and fold. It is not easy to know whether we should move on or move out. That’s why we need help to know the difference between the things we can change and the things we cannot. In the words of AA’s serenity prayer, we should seek courage and wisdom.

Daniel O’Rourke is a married Catholic priest, retired from the administration at State University College, Fredonia. A mediator for the Center for Resolution and Justice, he lives in Cassadaga, NY. Comments may be sent to orourke@netsync.net

A new way to think about disagreements

By Eknath Eswaran

Who is wise? One who learns from all. -The Talmud

In many disagreements - not only in the home but even at the
international level - it is really not ideological
differences that divide people. It is lack of respect. Most
disagreements do not even require dialogue; all that is
necessary is a set of flash cards. If Romeo wants to make a
point with Juliet, he may have elaborate intellectual
arguments for buttressing his case, but while his mouth is
talking away, his hand just brings out a big card and shows
it to Juliet: "I'm right." Then Juliet flashes one of hers:
"You're wrong!" You can use the same cards for all
occasions, because that is all most quarrels amount to.

What provokes people is not so much facts or opinions, but
the arrogance of these flash cards. Kindness here means the
generous admission - not only with the tongue but with the
heart - that there is something in what you say, just as
there is something in what I say. If I can listen to you
with respect, it is usually only a short time before you
listen with respect to me. Once this attitude is
established, most differences can be made up. The problem is
no longer insoluble.

Some rules for effective communication

by Fr. Rich Hasselbach

One of the most important skills a married couple can possess is the ability to communicate effectively. The word communicate comes from the Latin communicare, meaning, "to make one." Communication is NOT just speaking the process of making our thoughts and feelings clear! It is doing so in a way that brings another into our inner world gently. It is finding the deeper connection beneath all our divisions. It is discovering that where we are most ourselves, we are not ONLY ourselves.

Words are not necessarily communication - words spoken in anger, for example, drive people apart, and so are antithetical to communication. When we fail to listen as well as speak, we again fail to communicate. The process of communication is involves not only our own thoughts and feelings, it also requires sensitivity to the other. Wisdom, as Solomon knew, did not involve having the right answers - to be wise is to have a listening heart.

And so, a few guidelines for effective communication - for married couples, and anyone else who wants to genuinely communicate:

1. Listen with trust - Have faith in the other, and in your own inner wisdom. Trust that each of you has the answers to your questions and problems within

2. Listen with love - Listen to the other from within his or her experience; listen to what he or she is saying and, more important, feeling. Then affirm with or without words that you are listening and trying to understand.

3. Listen with patience - Communication is not all about words, sometimes it's about silence. Try to become comfortable with the still points in a conversation; those intervals of silence that sometimes occur in important conversations. Don't interrupt or rush to share your own experience until you have fully heard the other's experience.

4. Speak from "I" - When you respond, do so from your own experience, feelings, and opinions. Don't intellectualize and criticize what the other says, respond from your own point of reference and experience.

5. Accentuate the positive - Try to find common ground, and affirm the other as much as possible.

Remember, the truth is not an absolute value - love is. The truth without love can be devastating, The great virtue of communication is learning to speak the truth with love.

Looking For God -

A Teaching Story by Megan McKenna

Once upon a time there was a little boy who had been going to Sunday school for years. After hearing about God for so long, he decided it was time to go look for God himself. He thought the journey might be long, so he found an old gym bag that was his father's; he stocked up on root beer, granola bars, and Snackwells; and then he set off, without telling his mother he was going. He was about six years old. Well, he hadn't gotten very far when he got tired and decided to rest a while.

There was a park right there, and he cut across the grass to a bench. There was only one other person in the park, an old, old woman who was sitting on the bench. He climbed up beside her. The two sat there and didn't say anything for the longest time. Then he turned to her and asked her if she was thirsty. She smiled at him and nodded. Out came the root beer. They shared and sat in silence. Then they ate the cookies and granola bars and finished the root beer. They were together about an hour, and she didn't say anything at all, just smiled at him every once in a while. So he talked. He told her stories of his mom and dad, brothers and sisters, first year at school, his pets, everything.

Time passed and he thought of his mother at home. He realized that she'd be furious at him for going off without telling her, so he decided he had better go home. He got down from the bench and picked up his empty bag. They had finished everything. He said goodbye to the old woman and turned to go away. He took a few steps and stopped. He thought to himself, "She has such a lovely smile. I want to see it again." So he turned around, ran up to her, put his arms around her, and gave her a big hug and kiss. Her face broke out into that magnificent smile. He smiled back and headed for home.

His mother was waiting for him at the door, frantic. She grabbed hold of him and shook him, "Where were you? I told you never to go off without telling me. Where have you been? I've been worried sick."

He looked at her and smiled broadly, "You didn't have to worry. I spent the afternoon in the park with God!" Momentarily stunned, his mother was speechless. He continued thoughtfully, "You know, I never thought she'd be so old and so quiet . . . and thirsty."

Meanwhile, the old woman had gotten up very slowly from her bench, picked up her cane, and headed for home. Her son, about forty-five years old, was waiting for her, frantic. "Mother," he said, "how many times do I have to tell you not to go off on your own without telling me? I've been looking for you everywhere and was just about to call the paramedics and the police again. You can't just go wandering off. Where have you been?"

Her face was radiant. She smiled at him and said, "Oh, you needn't have worried. I spent the afternoon in the park with God."

Her son was stunned and thought to himself, "Oh, dear. She's much worse than before."

But she continued, rather thoughtfully, "You know, I didn't expect him to be so young and so talkative . . . and to love root beer!"

In Advent, Christmas, and Epiphany: Stories and Reflections on the Sunday Readings

Looking at Our "Shadow Side"

by Lisa Bellan-Boyer

In psychology, we cannot heal from dis-eases until we acknowledge they are part of us. We must take a long, hard look at our "shadow side." Newspaper headlines provide ready examples: evil feeds on the denial that it is present. When we refuse to own the shadow-side of ourselves, we give those "shadow-selves" more power to do harm. That is the engine that powers sin.

In the story of the bronze serpent, God's prescription for the toxic snakebites required that the people look at the bronze image of the very thing that made them ill in the first place. They could not be cured without taking a long, hard look at the source of the poison. In the passage from JOHN that refers to Moses lifting up the serpent in the wilderness, Jesus echoed this: "all who do evil hate the light" (John 3:20, NRSV). Not wanting to have their deeds brought to light, those who do evil run away from taking that long, hard look.

Many have become too used to the crucifix as an ornate religious object, and no longer relate to its horrifying brutality. It was the most shaming and terrifying punishment the Roman Empire could inflict. A crucifix ought to function like a bronze serpent, causing one to focus on the human sinfulness that led to the crucifixion of Jesus, the model of the godly life. To take a long, hard look at a crucifix is to see that sinfulness. To really look hard at that sinfulness is to begin to be redeemed from it.

The serpent and staff was a cross-cultural symbol in the ancient world, associated with Mercury, the messenger of the gods of Greece and Rome, and carried by Aesculapus, a healer credited with being the first veterinarian. It is still a common symbol for medical professionals, known by its Latin name, the caduceus. The caduceus appears in the insignia of another healing profession: it is painted on the side of every New York City Sanitation Department vehicle – all the garbage trucks!

It has been said that "practicing forgiveness is like taking out the garbage." You can't possibly do it once and have it over with. You must keep doing it. You have to see that the garbage needs taking out before you do it; and if you don't do it and it piles up, then it festers, smells bad, and attracts all sorts of unpleasant things. Taking out the garbage is an act of healing.

Take a long, hard look at your spiritual "garbage" and then do your chores. Look on your own "bronze serpent" and live. Come from the shadows into the light. It's the healthy thing to do.

Lisa Bellan-Boyer is a writer and consultant for the American Bible Society

How NOT to barbecue

Barbecue Season Is Coming!
by Joan Wallin

After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....