Over a hamburger and beer at the Pig 'n Whistle Pub on New York City's Greenwich Street I asked her if there was a common thread running through all the stories. "Oh yes," she replied without a moment's hesitation, "they were all good communicators."
Every human life is dynamic. We change as we experience new things and meet new challenges; we rise to some occasions, and fail to rise to others; we have triumphs that elate us, and defeats that deflate us. Ultimately we age and experience the predictable challenges of aging. In marriage we do all this alongside a partner: someone sharing our journey as we share his or hers.
To grow together, and to understand the changes and challenges each other face, we MUST be willing to share the good and the bad; the hopes and the dreams; the fears and the frustrations; the twists and turns on the road of life.
Good communication is much more than talking to or with another. We chatter all day about the things that are easy, for us, to talk about: politics, the Yankees (or Red Sox ...), the movie we saw or the book we read. There's nothing wrong with conversations like these, but it's not the kind of sharing that will sustain a shared life.
Communication means listening to the other, and listening is more than hearing. We listen when we try to be attentive to the hints and clues we are given by body language and mood tone; we listen when we genuinely try to hear the message beneath the words, and to hear it without judgement or criticism. It's being patient as the conversation unfolds, it's asking questions to clarify, and to let the other know that you are really trying to 'get it."
Communication takes courage. The deeper and more personal a subject is, the harder it is to share with anyone. But in marriage we must share the deep down stuff with our partner - how can we be loved and understood in places where we don't allow our partner to go? In addition to the things in our life that give us joy and make us happy, painful memories, embarrassing defeats, well-hidden flaws or mistakes are all the stuff that life-giving communication is made of. Even anger and disappointment with our partner is fair game, as long as we allow the anger to dissipate before we speak about it. (Speaking while angry is never productive and should be avoided at all costs).
Communication like this should be a regular thing in the lives of married couples - not merely episodic. It may be helpful to create a ritual around it - write each other weekly (or daily) letters to both express your love and to begin the conversation on what you'd like to share with each other - then use the letter as a starting off point for a face to face conversation. Have regular family meetings at which everyone present (even the kids, if they're invited and age appropriate for this kind of gathering) gets a chance to speak uninterruptedly and listen carefully. At such a meeting a few simple ground rules are necessary, anyone speaking must speak the truth with love (i.e., all messages, no matter how difficult, MUST be tempered with kindness), and when listening, seek first to understand what the other is saying from their perspective: what's it like to see through their eyes, and to walk in their shoes? Finally, ask questions to clarify, not to cross examine.
Great marriages are built on great communication - the lives of successfully married couples bear this truth out. Good communication in a family doesn't happen by osmosis - it takes time, effort, and commitment; but the investment is well worth it. There is NOTHING more important in your lives, or in the lives of your children, than the success of your marriage.
1 comments:
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