The Marriage Blog

Communication: the sine qua non of success in marriage

2010-08-22T11:15:00.005-04:00

A while back my friend Pat Willard, a wonderful author of thoughtful books about cooking and about life, and I went out to celebrate the completion of her new book - a collection of vignettes about the lives of successfully married (and long-married) couples. Each story had a happy ending, despite the challenges that every live and every marriage face.

Over a hamburger and beer at the Pig 'n Whistle Pub on New York City's Greenwich Street I asked her if there was a common thread running through all the stories. "Oh yes," she replied without a moment's hesitation, "they were all good communicators."

Every human life is dynamic. We change as we experience new things and meet new challenges; we rise to some occasions, and fail to rise to others; we have triumphs that elate us, and defeats that deflate us. Ultimately we age and experience the predictable challenges of aging. In marriage we do all this alongside a partner: someone sharing our journey as we share his or hers.

To grow together, and to understand the changes and challenges each other face, we MUST be willing to share the good and the bad; the hopes and the dreams; the fears and the frustrations; the twists and turns on the road of life.

Good communication is much more than talking to or with another. We chatter all day about the things that are easy, for us, to talk about: politics, the Yankees (or Red Sox ...), the movie we saw or the book we read. There's nothing wrong with conversations like these, but it's not the kind of sharing that will sustain a shared life.

Communication means listening to the other, and listening is more than hearing. We listen when we try to be attentive to the hints and clues we are given by body language and mood tone; we listen when we genuinely try to hear the message beneath the words, and to hear it without judgement or criticism. It's being patient as the conversation unfolds, it's asking questions to clarify, and to let the other know that you are really trying to 'get it."

Communication takes courage. The deeper and more personal a subject is, the harder it is to share with anyone. But in marriage we must share the deep down stuff with our partner - how can we be loved and understood in places where we don't allow our partner to go? In addition to the things in our life that give us joy and make us happy, painful memories, embarrassing defeats, well-hidden flaws or mistakes are all the stuff that life-giving communication is made of. Even anger and disappointment with our partner is fair game, as long as we allow the anger to dissipate before we speak about it. (Speaking while angry is never productive and should be avoided at all costs).

Communication like this should be a regular thing in the lives of married couples - not merely episodic. It may be helpful to create a ritual around it - write each other weekly (or daily) letters to both express your love and to begin the conversation on what you'd like to share with each other - then use the letter as a starting off point for a face to face conversation. Have regular family meetings at which everyone present (even the kids, if they're invited and age appropriate for this kind of gathering) gets a chance to speak uninterruptedly and listen carefully. At such a meeting a few simple ground rules are necessary, anyone speaking must speak the truth with love (i.e., all messages, no matter how difficult, MUST be tempered with kindness), and when listening, seek first to understand what the other is saying from their perspective: what's it like to see through their eyes, and to walk in their shoes? Finally, ask questions to clarify, not to cross examine.

Great marriages are built on great communication - the lives of successfully married couples bear this truth out. Good communication in a family doesn't happen by osmosis - it takes time, effort, and commitment; but the investment is well worth it. There is NOTHING more important in your lives, or in the lives of your children, than the success of your marriage.

To divorce or not divorce that is the question.

2006-06-08T09:54:00.000-04:00

by Father Daniel O’Rourke
06-10-06

“All of life,” said the veteran retreat master, “can be summed up in three words: ‘anticipation, disillusionment and resignation.’“ He was preaching to young monks. ”When you came to the monastery,” he said, “you came with the highest ideals. You wondered if you were worthy. You came with stars in your eyes to love and serve, surrounded by saintly brothers -- anticipation.

“After you were here a while,” he continued, ”You soon realized that the monks were no better than you. You found them human, flawed and too often self-centered. You were disillusioned. Then it gradually dawned that it was precisely with these imperfect men that you would be living out your monastic life -- resignation.”

The preacher, of course, overstated his case. Life, work and relationships are much more complicated than his three stark and deterministic categories. There is, however, enough truth in his observation that teachers, social workers, other professionals -- and couples could learn from his insight.

Initially there is the romantic and idealistic expectation, and then reality sets in, but what next? Acceptance doesn’t always follow. In every career or relationship, there is a natural development from the naïve and idealistic to the real. Then the true choice faces us: what should we do about it? These are life-altering decisions. Presumably, we once gave much thought and expense to the choice of career or spouse. Hopefully we had career guidance and premarital instructions such as a Pre-Cana program. We have much invested in these marriages and careers. Packing our bags and moving out should not be a knee-jerk reaction but the final option. Life often asks a recommitment to circumstances and people whom we have discovered to be flawed and wounded like ourselves.

This acceptance of the inevitable, however, is not always peaceful and graced. It can embitter and sour. We all know divorced people who are better for their break-up and, whether remarried or not, are at peace. We also know some who many years after the split are still resentful and bitter. We know people in jobs or profession who have accepted the limitations of their occupations and are enthusiastic, productive and happy. Others are miserable and disgruntled. They think life has dealt them an unplayable hand and their clients, students and colleagues also suffer.

The key question comes after the initial glow has evaporated. What to do then? How do we decide whether to divorce or work to save the marriage? How do we determine whether to leave, change, or modify our careers? The difficult questions are life changing.

First, we should do nothing without advice -- and not from our office mates, poker buddies or girl friends. We should talk to a spiritual director, a job counselor or therapist. Even if career or marital counseling costs money, it’s worth it. It’s the rest of our life we’re talking about. If the relationship, however, involves violence the abused spouse should first seek individual counseling from a source sensitive to this particular issue, such as The Salvation Army's ANEW program (1-800-252-8748). Seeking professional help is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of intelligence.

After reflecting on the insights from counseling or direction, if your faith permits it, pray. Gently carry your reflections into the awareness of the Mystery. Let the Spirit of Life, in whom we live and move and have our being, breathe over your dilemma, freshening it, cleansing it of your blindness and selfishness. Spirituality is a powerful resource in our struggle with such decisions.

What are the criteria to determine whether we should stay or move on? We should listen to both our bodies and our spirits. What do our bodies tell us? Are they habitually stressed? Do we have migraines and ulcers? Is the tension affecting our health and poisoning our interactions with others? With co-workers? With clients? With partners and children?

Anna Quindlen in a recent column spoke of young lawyers in high-priced law firms as “indentured servants” and “drones” moving “from classroom, to cubicle to coffin.” No matter how “good” the money, that’s too high a price. If we get cramps or headaches just thinking about going to work, it’s time to go elsewhere.

Then we should listen to our spirits. This is especially true in a marriage, which is much more emotional and complicated than a career. Are we growing as human beings? How frequent are the moments of joy, understanding, and forgiveness? Of course there are problems. There are always problems, but there is no unsolvable problem for spouses open to change and willing to work together.

Marital retreats or counseling often help. Spouses should certainly attempt that before traipsing off to lawyers. Resolving issues can be complicated and heart wrenching, but the effort is worth it. Spouses have a shared history and much in common. Especially if there are children, there are tremendous reasons to keep the family intact and, with effort and grace, to make it healthier. The impact on families of a broken home and the loss to all is enormous. Sadly for some, even after repeated and sincere attempts, the situation will remain unhealthy. Then for the good of all, the disillusionment should lead to separation.

No partner or profession, however, no job or relationship is perfect. Life inevitably demands forgiveness and understanding. We should make that effort again and again, but sometimes body and soul, grace and reason tell us that it’s time like a savvy card player to cut our losses and fold. It is not easy to know whether we should move on or move out. That’s why we need help to know the difference between the things we can change and the things we cannot. In the words of AA’s serenity prayer, we should seek courage and wisdom.

Daniel O’Rourke is a married Catholic priest, retired from the administration at State University College, Fredonia. A mediator for the Center for Resolution and Justice, he lives in Cassadaga, NY. Comments may be sent to orourke@netsync.net

A new way to think about disagreements

2006-05-21T16:53:00.000-04:00

By Eknath Eswaran

Who is wise? One who learns from all. -The Talmud

In many disagreements - not only in the home but even at the
international level - it is really not ideological
differences that divide people. It is lack of respect. Most
disagreements do not even require dialogue; all that is
necessary is a set of flash cards. If Romeo wants to make a
point with Juliet, he may have elaborate intellectual
arguments for buttressing his case, but while his mouth is
talking away, his hand just brings out a big card and shows
it to Juliet: "I'm right." Then Juliet flashes one of hers:
"You're wrong!" You can use the same cards for all
occasions, because that is all most quarrels amount to.

What provokes people is not so much facts or opinions, but
the arrogance of these flash cards. Kindness here means the
generous admission - not only with the tongue but with the
heart - that there is something in what you say, just as
there is something in what I say. If I can listen to you
with respect, it is usually only a short time before you
listen with respect to me. Once this attitude is
established, most differences can be made up. The problem is
no longer insoluble.

Some rules for effective communication

2006-05-01T15:29:00.000-04:00

by Fr. Rich Hasselbach

One of the most important skills a married couple can possess is the ability to communicate effectively. The word communicate comes from the Latin communicare, meaning, "to make one." Communication is NOT just speaking the process of making our thoughts and feelings clear! It is doing so in a way that brings another into our inner world gently. It is finding the deeper connection beneath all our divisions. It is discovering that where we are most ourselves, we are not ONLY ourselves.

Words are not necessarily communication - words spoken in anger, for example, drive people apart, and so are antithetical to communication. When we fail to listen as well as speak, we again fail to communicate. The process of communication is involves not only our own thoughts and feelings, it also requires sensitivity to the other. Wisdom, as Solomon knew, did not involve having the right answers - to be wise is to have a listening heart.

And so, a few guidelines for effective communication - for married couples, and anyone else who wants to genuinely communicate:

1. Listen with trust - Have faith in the other, and in your own inner wisdom. Trust that each of you has the answers to your questions and problems within

2. Listen with love - Listen to the other from within his or her experience; listen to what he or she is saying and, more important, feeling. Then affirm with or without words that you are listening and trying to understand.

3. Listen with patience - Communication is not all about words, sometimes it's about silence. Try to become comfortable with the still points in a conversation; those intervals of silence that sometimes occur in important conversations. Don't interrupt or rush to share your own experience until you have fully heard the other's experience.

4. Speak from "I" - When you respond, do so from your own experience, feelings, and opinions. Don't intellectualize and criticize what the other says, respond from your own point of reference and experience.

5. Accentuate the positive - Try to find common ground, and affirm the other as much as possible.

Remember, the truth is not an absolute value - love is. The truth without love can be devastating, The great virtue of communication is learning to speak the truth with love.

Looking For God -

2006-04-12T22:51:00.000-04:00

A Teaching Story by Megan McKenna

Once upon a time there was a little boy who had been going to Sunday school for years. After hearing about God for so long, he decided it was time to go look for God himself. He thought the journey might be long, so he found an old gym bag that was his father's; he stocked up on root beer, granola bars, and Snackwells; and then he set off, without telling his mother he was going. He was about six years old. Well, he hadn't gotten very far when he got tired and decided to rest a while.

There was a park right there, and he cut across the grass to a bench. There was only one other person in the park, an old, old woman who was sitting on the bench. He climbed up beside her. The two sat there and didn't say anything for the longest time. Then he turned to her and asked her if she was thirsty. She smiled at him and nodded. Out came the root beer. They shared and sat in silence. Then they ate the cookies and granola bars and finished the root beer. They were together about an hour, and she didn't say anything at all, just smiled at him every once in a while. So he talked. He told her stories of his mom and dad, brothers and sisters, first year at school, his pets, everything.

Time passed and he thought of his mother at home. He realized that she'd be furious at him for going off without telling her, so he decided he had better go home. He got down from the bench and picked up his empty bag. They had finished everything. He said goodbye to the old woman and turned to go away. He took a few steps and stopped. He thought to himself, "She has such a lovely smile. I want to see it again." So he turned around, ran up to her, put his arms around her, and gave her a big hug and kiss. Her face broke out into that magnificent smile. He smiled back and headed for home.

His mother was waiting for him at the door, frantic. She grabbed hold of him and shook him, "Where were you? I told you never to go off without telling me. Where have you been? I've been worried sick."

He looked at her and smiled broadly, "You didn't have to worry. I spent the afternoon in the park with God!" Momentarily stunned, his mother was speechless. He continued thoughtfully, "You know, I never thought she'd be so old and so quiet . . . and thirsty."

Meanwhile, the old woman had gotten up very slowly from her bench, picked up her cane, and headed for home. Her son, about forty-five years old, was waiting for her, frantic. "Mother," he said, "how many times do I have to tell you not to go off on your own without telling me? I've been looking for you everywhere and was just about to call the paramedics and the police again. You can't just go wandering off. Where have you been?"

Her face was radiant. She smiled at him and said, "Oh, you needn't have worried. I spent the afternoon in the park with God."

Her son was stunned and thought to himself, "Oh, dear. She's much worse than before."

But she continued, rather thoughtfully, "You know, I didn't expect him to be so young and so talkative . . . and to love root beer!"

In Advent, Christmas, and Epiphany: Stories and Reflections on the Sunday Readings

Looking at Our "Shadow Side"

2006-04-11T21:56:00.000-04:00

by Lisa Bellan-Boyer

In psychology, we cannot heal from dis-eases until we acknowledge they are part of us. We must take a long, hard look at our "shadow side." Newspaper headlines provide ready examples: evil feeds on the denial that it is present. When we refuse to own the shadow-side of ourselves, we give those "shadow-selves" more power to do harm. That is the engine that powers sin.

In the story of the bronze serpent, God's prescription for the toxic snakebites required that the people look at the bronze image of the very thing that made them ill in the first place. They could not be cured without taking a long, hard look at the source of the poison. In the passage from JOHN that refers to Moses lifting up the serpent in the wilderness, Jesus echoed this: "all who do evil hate the light" (John 3:20, NRSV). Not wanting to have their deeds brought to light, those who do evil run away from taking that long, hard look.

Many have become too used to the crucifix as an ornate religious object, and no longer relate to its horrifying brutality. It was the most shaming and terrifying punishment the Roman Empire could inflict. A crucifix ought to function like a bronze serpent, causing one to focus on the human sinfulness that led to the crucifixion of Jesus, the model of the godly life. To take a long, hard look at a crucifix is to see that sinfulness. To really look hard at that sinfulness is to begin to be redeemed from it.

The serpent and staff was a cross-cultural symbol in the ancient world, associated with Mercury, the messenger of the gods of Greece and Rome, and carried by Aesculapus, a healer credited with being the first veterinarian. It is still a common symbol for medical professionals, known by its Latin name, the caduceus. The caduceus appears in the insignia of another healing profession: it is painted on the side of every New York City Sanitation Department vehicle – all the garbage trucks!

It has been said that "practicing forgiveness is like taking out the garbage." You can't possibly do it once and have it over with. You must keep doing it. You have to see that the garbage needs taking out before you do it; and if you don't do it and it piles up, then it festers, smells bad, and attracts all sorts of unpleasant things. Taking out the garbage is an act of healing.

Take a long, hard look at your spiritual "garbage" and then do your chores. Look on your own "bronze serpent" and live. Come from the shadows into the light. It's the healthy thing to do.

Lisa Bellan-Boyer is a writer and consultant for the American Bible Society

How NOT to barbecue

2006-04-06T12:11:00.000-04:00

Barbecue Season Is Coming!
by Joan Wallin

After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

The Discipline of Love: Reflecton by Eknath Eswaran

2006-03-09T11:38:00.000-05:00

Who has not found the heaven below
Will fail of it above.
God's residence is next to mine,
His furniture is love.
-Emily Dickinson

Love is not physical; it is a state of consciousness. That is why I consider loving a skill, a great skill that can be learned. It calls for great effort and enthusiasm, but it can be mastered. And when it is mastered, every loving relationship grows richer and more romantic with the passage of time. You can be more romantic, more tenderly in love during the second part of your life than you were in your twenties.

Very, very few of us are born with this skill. We have to learn it, mostly by making mistakes. In my early days I too made many silly mistakes. Every one of us has made mistakes in our relationships and gone through difficulties which led us to move away from people who were dear to us.

A spiritual perspective on life is meant not to torment us with the past, but to comfort and console us. An untrained mind cannot be in love very long, while a trained mind can never fall out of love.

Finding God in meditation, marriage, and life

2006-03-03T13:09:00.000-05:00

by Fr. Pete Szafran

Seminary Spiritual Directors in the 50’s and 60’s tried to teach me to meditate. I never got it – kept falling asleep.

I made my first individually directed retreat in 1972 (2 weeks), when the Jesuits were rediscovering the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius. I made the whole 30 day retreat in 1974 and I learned to meditate and contemplate and what the difference was according to Ignatius. I directed people through these exercises for 5 years. I prayed in silence in the great outdoors and in chapels and had some wonderful experiences and some very dry times also.

Then I got married. Life got in the way of silence and going apart. I learned that my wife was Jesus for me and all of our interactions were prayer. The most important thing was to live with an awareness of God who is love. When we love we are in God and God in us.

This is a quote from “The Spirituality of Compassion” by Matthew Fox” “No one put the difference between solitude and withdrawal, between courage and fear, more directly than Meister Eckhart, who teaches, ‘Spirituality is not to be learned by flight from the world, by running away from things or by turning solitary and going apart from the world. Rather, one needs to learn an inner solitude, wherever or with whomsoever one may be. We must learn to penetrate things and find God there.’ Thus it is in “things” in the sense of events, news, work, play, people, pain, nature, music, the universe, that we are to find God and celebrate. Letting go leads to finding God.”

I agree that married priests have much to offer to people living in the world and not separated from it. For example, what if the church taught that emotional and physical intercourse were forms of prayer and a ways for people to come closer to God? Would we not have healthier marriages at this time in history? Can we do this? Are people ready for it? What if the teachings were to respect and care for nature and not just use it up for our benefit? Would we not have a healthier, more productive world? Can we let go of our old image of God and move to a new understanding?

The gift of love is the gift of self

2006-02-09T10:23:00.000-05:00

In a Florida supermarket where they sold postage stamps a man in the checkout line requested some. Pulling the stamps from under her tray in the cash register, the clerk said, ‘We only have love stamps.’ Unexpectedly, in a voice loud enough to startle those around him the man barked. ’I hate love stamps!’ He paid his bill and left angrily.

I can understand why that angry character wouldn’t want to mail a letter to the IRS with love stamps, but couldn’t he use them on a valentine or a note to a friend somewhere, sometime? I hope so. For we all need to love and be loved for happiness and health. The Dalai Lama tells us ‘without love we could not survive. Human beings are social creatures, and a concern for each other is the very basis of our life together.’

Love is big in the news recently. Pope Benedict just wrote his first encyclical on it. Valentines Day is soon upon us. Brokeback Mountain, Desperate Housewives and Dr. Phil McGraw make us look at love in different ways. Much, of course, depends on whether we can first love ourselves and what ‘love’ really means.

Our culture is perplexed by what love is. It confuses altruism and passion, concern and romance, caring and sex. The couple in the bunny rabbit stage of sexual attraction sees love one way. Mature jubilarians know there is much, much more to it. The firefighter rescuing someone from a burning building, the soldier defending his country, committed teachers in inner-city schools are lovers. They place the needs of others before their safety, preferences or comfort. Theologians like the Pope see love intellectually and identify it with the Loving Mystery who shares divine bounty and sustains us all. Indeed, the Christian Scripture says boldly, ‘God is love.’ (1 John 4:16)

Nor are these distinctions merely theoretical. If some really believes that love is primarily sexual attraction and romance, they will have great difficulty with commitment. When romantic feelings for spouse fade, as they inevitably do, the disillusioned partner will look to other relationships expecting them to last. Moreover, if we believe implicitly or explicitly that love reflects a God who gives constantly and abundantly, it will help us too to live unselfishly.

Eknath Easwaran puts it aptly in Words to Live By.’‘We only need to ask ourselves, am I ready to put the other person first? ‘ Relationships break down not because people are bad but because they are illiterate in love. To become literate in love, we must learn how to reduce our lifelong preoccupation with our own needs and feelings.’

And how do we lessen that lifelong preoccupation? We love by loving. Love grows through practice. It is a skill that can be sharpened. When you put aside your own wants in order to give time and energy to the needs around you, not only are you loving; you are increasing your capacity to love.

It is primarily in the mundane and the ordinary that we love. Not in expensive meals in five-star restaurants but at the family supper table. Not in romantic cruises but in picking up the laundry or emptying the dishwasher. In bringing a casserole to a shut-in or sending a note to the grieving.

Not that there is anything wrong with restaurants and cruises. They can help re-enkindle relationships. The danger, however, is that the exceptional and exotic become the norm. They aren’t; love’s arena is the ordinary. Its venue is the everyday. It is there where love either grows or fades, flourishes or dies.

The essence of love is spiritual. Despite nagging media ads love is not chocolate, red roses or diamonds. Of course, love can prompt such gifts, but it is not those gifts. Love comes from the heart and soul, not from the wallet or credit card. Love is the gift of self, not the gift of stuff.

When we speak of love, marriage gets lots of attention. All love, of course, is not conjugal. There is love of family and friends, neighbor and God. Love can be caring and erotic. Ideally, they are united in marriage, which brings all aspects of love into sharper focus.

Married love is not commercial. Even when there are pre-nuptial agreements, arriage is not a business contract. It does not count and keep book, e.g. ‘I ran the vacuum; it’s your turn to put the kids to bed.’ Or ‘I washed the car; you wash the dishes.’ When it’s really love, doing those things come naturally. They are done for the other without thinking. Love is then instinctive. It’s easy and natural. It’s a way of life, a habit.

Oh I know there are givers and takers. There are the exploiters and the xploited. There are those who find it difficult to love themselves and therefore almost impossible to love others. There are the insecure and the self-centered, those who must control or be controlled. And often there is effective professional help for such as these. To be honest, however, there is a bit of all that in all of us.
It’s a matter of degree, and sometimes in relationships an unselfish attitude can be contagious.

Moreover, acknowledged or not there is always grace. It enables us to love flawed human beings, or as W. H. Auden said to love our crooked neighbor with our crooked hearts. That grace is the healing power of the loving Mystery we call God. It has transformed many a selfish person and a struggling marriage.

Daniel O’Rourke is a married Catholic priest, retired from the administration at State University College, Fredonia. A mediator for the Center for Resolution and Justice, he lives in Cassadaga. Comments may be sent to orourke@netsync.net

Trust, Patience, and Courage

2006-01-29T13:11:00.000-05:00

I met recently with a couple who had overcome a great deal to forge a deeply loving relationship. Both divorced, neither expected to find 'love' again. He, in particular, was resistant to letting another human being become emotionally close to him, and so he put up walls. He wasn't expecting to find love when and where he did - and it took time and trust to bring down the walls, to open up, and to reawaken to love. Now that love had become the center of his life - a center he shares with his beloved soon-to-be bride.

When I asked what advice this couple would give others struggling in their relationship, here is the answer they gave me: He said "don't be afraid of the hard things." It takes courage to face difficulties honestly - it's much easier to dodge them, pretend they're not there and just get by. "But," he went on, "every time I had the courage to talk about the hard things honestly, I felt so much better afterward, and it brought us closer." This kind of confident honesty presupposes trust - trust that the other will understand and honor our truth, no matter how difficult. Without it there can be no growth, no safe place to explore and deepen self awareness.

And she said: "Patience, whenever I wanted to force things, to rush them, I was wrong. Our love needed to unfold at its own pace - not at mine." He added: "And I learned to trust in God's plan." I guess that's what patience is all about - trusting that God's plan and God's timing is better than our own. It's not forcing the future, not second guessing the past - it's living in the flow of life as it comes to us each moment.

Marriage and Mutual Forgiveness, by Dan O'Rourke

2006-01-14T11:05:00.000-05:00

I once worked in prison retreats. After much scrutiny by officials and inspection by guards, ecumenical teams would enter the prison to meet, speak and pray with the prisoners. On one occasion, a team member was celebrating the anniversary of his wedding. A minister stood up and said, “I’d like to congratulate Joe on his wedding anniversary. Just imagine thirty-five years of mutual forgiveness!” Every man in the room (only men were there) smiled. They knew. If it were a room full of women, they would have smiled too.

Of course, there is more to marriage than “mutual forgiveness.” There are love, romance, laughter, memories -- and best of all perhaps children. Mutual forgiveness, however, is a big piece of it. A solid marriage is no accident; husbands and wives have to work hard at it. The effort, however, has great rewards. As the much quoted O. A. Battista reminds us, “A happy marriage is the world's best bargain.”

How do spouses work towards such marriages? The advice from Saint Paul in I Corinthians 13, often read at weddings but seldom reflected upon, is as good a plan as any. “Love is patient and kind,” Paul tells us, “love is not jealous or boastful…. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful. Love bears all things … endures all things.” It overlooks, forgives and moves on without criticizing or tallying up the inevitable slights, imagined wrongs and unavoidable irritations. It forgives. As the minister reminded us, husbands and wives in loving marriages constantly and mutually forgive.

There are many obstacles in achieving this. The unrealistic romantic expectation of the courtship is one of them. This bunny-rabbit stage initially draws couples together, makes the world go round and continues the human race. Thank God for it, but as my favorite guru Eknath Easwaran, tells us in Words to Live By, “Physical attraction is not a firm foundation on which to build a relationship, for the simple reason that it is never constant. It sets in motion a cycle of expectation and disillusionment that can go on and on. The person who lives in this world of fantasy will often blame the other for letting him or her down. Perhaps, for example, Juliet expects Romeo to come to her balcony every morning and launch into, ‘It is the east, and you are the sun.’ Three days after the honeymoon, she feels crushed when she is greeted at breakfast with nothing more romantic than, where’s the toast. Many relationships sputter because of just such inflated expectations, which demand of life something it simply cannot give.”

Close, loving relationships are possible, but they are challenging and demanding. Again, again, and again they have to be worked at.

Besides romantic sexual expectations, which can sometimes drive spouses to another, there are other obstacles that get in the way. Perhaps consciously or subconsciously one of the spouses married for money or security. A dreadful mistake! As the Scottish Proverb warns us, “Never marry for money. Ye'll borrow it cheaper.”

Former companions can be obstacles. The husband who considers his time with his old drinking buddies more important than the demands of the marriage is not uncommon. The wife who prefers the adolescent company and superficial confidences of her girlfriends rather than her husband can be a significant barrier.

Insecurities and jealousy can be major roadblocks. To quote my guru Easwaran again, “Jealousy comes into a relationship when we try to possess someone for ourselves.” On the other hand, “when we do not want to possess another person selfishly, when we do not make demand after demand, the relationship will grow and last. And it is something we have to learn the hard way. This is the secret of all relationships, not only between husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, but between friend and friend, parents and children. Instead of trying to exact and demand, we (just have to) give, and give more, and give still more.” When we think we own or control the other, we lose her. As the Prayer of St. Francis tells us, “It is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned….”

Children with their unending needs often help. I have quoted Peter De Vries here before. "The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults." If we allow them, children can make parents better, healthier people. Their unrelenting demands draw parents out of their extended adolescence; pull them out of themselves; make them less self-centered, more caring, more loving human beings. Of course, even without children, marriage and relationships produce adults, but children certainly help.

Politically, marriage has been in the news. The Presidential Prayer Team is urging us to "Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to biblical principles.” They better be careful quoting the Bible, it can be a two-edged sword.

The Bible’s statements on monogamous marriage are certainly mixed. According to the Bible marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives as David and Solomon certainly did. (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)

The Bible also states that marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed! (Deut 22:13-21)

Marriage is not easy and there are no simplistic answers biblical or otherwise. We have to love generously and work hard to make marriage work. As the minister at that prison retreat reminded us “mutual forgiveness” is a robust part of it.

Daniel O’Rourke is a married Catholic priest, retired from the administration at State University College, Fredonia. A mediator for the Center for Resolution and Justice, he lives in Cassadaga. This column originally appeared in The Observer on November 11, 2005. His columns appear in that publication regularly on second and fourth Thursday of each month. Comments may be sent to orourke@netsync.net

What this Blog is all about

2006-01-08T15:59:00.000-05:00

For a long time I've longed to find a way to keep in touch with all the wonderful folks who have become an important part of my life and ministry. After working with them so long to plan their weddings, or the baptism of their children, I found myself wanting some way to keep them in my world - and to continue to be a part of theirs. Too often, as life goes on, and the beautiful people who visit us on our journey just sort of fade away. I also realized that there were other folks out there, folks I hadn't met, who might benefit from the wisdom of some of the great couples and families I've worked with, and who might have a good deal of wisdom to share themselves.

Then, courtesy of my wonderful friend Carolyn (check out her blog - carolynsopinionclass.blogspot.com) I discovered the blogosphere. I learned that it's a great place to bring people together. Here you can meet each other, discuss the challenges of planning for a wedding, being newly married, getting to be 'old marrieds,' welcoming kids and bringing them up. Here we can raise the questions that we all wonder about - questions about practical family living, or about being a spiritual family in a not terribly spiritual world.

I don't know where this will evolve. It might not evolve anywhere. But I figured it's worth a try - and it might even be fun. If you find this blog and you'd like to be on the blog 'team,' let me know and I'll make sure you're listed as a team member - then you'll be able to create discussion threads as well as leave comments. If you have links that you think others would find helpful and you'd like to add to the links section, please let me know and I'll add them.

I pray that the Lord will bless this effort, and make it more than just a way for nice people to stay in touch. Perhaps it will also be a place for all of us to grow, to deepen, to share our need for prayers, and to be a prayer support community for each other.

It doesn't matter where you are in life, you can be young or old, in a first or second marriage (or third...), you can have grown kids, teens, or little ones - or none at all. What matters is that you have something you want to share with others -to make them laugh, think, cry, wonder, or just know what someone else thinks who is out there struggling with the challenges of marriage and family.

What can you do with this little blog? You write about what's going on in your life and in the life of your family; you can ask (or answer) questions about married life or having babies, or raising kids; you can discuss the spiritual journey you're on with your spouse. You can ask for prayers, or share a story of grace in your life, or just tell us a funny or interesting story about your family. Or you can post an article that you think will be of interest to other married couples. Most of all, you can (and should) have fun with all this.

Hope you enjoy this and find it useful.

God bless you -

A bad marriage is bad for your health

2006-01-03T22:03:00.000-05:00

A word of caution for couples who routinely communicate through a sharp word and a slammed door: A bad marriage is bad for your health.

A new study suggests that spouses engaged in hostile relationships have consistently elevated stress levels that significantly impede their bodies' wound-healing capacity.

Proof of this apparent mind-body connection, researchers say, could have a major impact o n the emphasis caregivers place o n improving a patient's frame of mind prior to surgery, in order to optimize the recovery process.

"Certainly the study shows that wound-healing is far more sensitive to even minor stresses than we ever assumed, so for people facing surgery being relaxed is really important," said study lead author Janice K. Kiecolt-Glaser, of the Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research (IBMR) at Ohio State University.

The study results appear in the December issue of Archives of General Psychiatry.

Avoiding the relationship pitfalls highlighted in her own research, Kiecolt-Glaser happily teamed with her own spouse Ronald Glaser -- also from the IBMR at Ohio State -- to direct a study focusing o n 42 married couples.

The primarily white, well-educated spouses ranged in age from 22 to 77 and had been married an average of almost 13 years.

On two occasions -- separated by two months -- each couple was admitted to a hospital for a 24-hour testing period.

During the first session, the couples were asked to engage in two 10-minute supportive discussions regarding something each spouse wanted to change about himself or herself.

During the second session, the couples discussed marital topics -- such as money or in-laws -- specially selected to provoke an argument.

Both sessions were videotaped and analyzed for evidence of hostility. Questionnaires were also completed before and after, to gauge both hostility levels and general marital satisfaction.

To monitor the discussion's impact o n healing, the researchers created eight tiny blisters o n the arms of each spouse prior to the conversations. After removing the wounded skin, the blisters were covered to measure the rise and fall of reparative fluids -- such as pro-inflammatory cytokines, which are critical to the healing process. Blood samples were also drawn.

The researchers found that blisters healed more slowly following argumentative conversations than after supportive discussions.

In addition, generally hostile couples also experienced a slower healing process -- following both non-supportive and supportive talks -- than friendlier couples.

Highly hostile couples experienced healing rates that were o nly 60 percent of those experienced by less-hostile spouses, the study found.

Kiecolt-Glaser and her team also noted that the amount of pro-inflammatory cytokines found in the blood beyond the wound site rose to higher levels following conflict discussions than following supportive interactions.

A spike in cytokine levels outside the healing area does not aid the recovery process, but instead has been previously characterized as a secondary health threat linked to a higher risk for developing depression, as well as heart disease, osteoporosis, arthritis, type 2 diabetes, cancer, and general physical decline, the researchers said.

The researchers concluded that both short-term and long-term stress related to hostile interactions between spouses contributes to a considerable slowing of the healing process, as well as a simultaneous rise in the risk for developing serious physical and mental illness.

They further noted that because at-home spousal battles are most probably longer and nastier than the study session conversations, the findings are likely to underestimate the full negative impact of hostility.

"This study shows that the quality of important relationships has clear physical consequences, especially in marriage but in other close relationships in general," said Kiecolt-Glaser. "If they're chronically contentious or difficult there's a clear toll o n the body."

By Alan Mozes
HealthDay Reporter